Always and Forever

feeling sad.

2009-06-08T21:51:12Z

i wrote this on an emo day once, back in 18/09/2006, but i think it sums me up quite well, though the person in my poem is fictional, just represents my friends in total., and maybe will help some people to understand me and not feel quite so rejected.
im solitary. when i wave at you and smile.. its becuase i generally want to. because i feel sunshine in my heart for you.. and im happy to spend time with you.
..not because its my 'duty' to be there, spending time.but because i genuinly want to be.
im one of these people who could quite spontaneously think nothing about jumping on a train and seeing where i end up in life.
only to come back years later and say hello again with happiness.
i love that people love me.. but i want to be continuously going forwards...knowing i have friends is what makes me strong inside.. ""wherever i am in this world, i know that i'll always have friends"".. and i like that.
..but i think..i cant stand still and give a 'sincere duty' to be reliable..to hold others up..and cause myself to suffocate., because i am free spirited. i am solitary. i like it that way. i like being able to breath in the open air, and theres no'one there beside me.
you send me texts, and they are intended to make me smile, and i read them and i smile, and look to the sky before continuing with what im doing.
but its wrong, becuase i havent replied 7 times over to your text!!??.
you send me emails, and when i feel the need to send a reply i will, but if you send me a statement and the intent is to warm my heart.. well it works it does. ...becuase i havent replied doesnt mean your intent wasnt felt. i read and take things to my heart..i should always reply..but sometimes i havent felt a need. you email was strong enough, in itself and no more replies need to be sent.
i wish i could be more reliable, but im not..i could give you a promise to make you feel better, but i always let myself down with my own promises.
i may not always be there to wave at you everyday, i may not reply back with 9 emails and texts over and over to your sent 'statements'..and i may not be perfectly dependable....
.. but if we were oneday, walking a very throny road, and i came across you, i would pick you up and brush you off and walk out infront of you to hack down the thorns.
if we were riding into battle with our spears and weapons and i saw you fall, i would ride out to you..and embrace you as long as you needed me.
if you were drowning i would heave you up into my rowing boat.

i guess, im selfish.. i want to float in my own world and spin under the clouds..fall in the grass and breath in the sunshine.. with a free soul.
im not reliable enough to give a 'duty' everyday. i believe people are strong enough in themselves, than to require me everyday...no.. i NEED my friends to be strong enough..
just becuase i dont sit down beside you one day...or i dont walk you way for a while..doesnt mean i dont care.. doesnt mean i dont 'love' you...and my care for you isnt real.

but know that every time i smile at you, my smile is real.
everytime i wave at you and sit beside you..its real..
when my eyes smile i have sunshine in my heart for you.
truely, honestly and genuinly.
with all my heart.
not becuase i have to,not becuase its my duty to..becuase im conforming to society..and its idea of politeness...but becuase i really want to.

my poem is quite sad i think,its about 'suffocating love' and bares no resemblance to anybody..except my own thoughts.
but maybe you can feel a bit of 'heart inside me', towards others, even through my 'own' selfishness.
i think my poem reflects my true feelings when people try and change me.
when people dont understand and try to restrain me.
i dont ever want to hurt anybody.
id rather feel sad inside than hurt somebody.."its easier to pretend than to hurt"..
i guess ive always felt this way.
it makes me sad, how some people will sacrifice my real smiles for fake ones, if only to 'keep', me, everyday, all day.
i just have to give you a half smile and your so happy.
you wont let yourself see past at how sad you make me feel..a half smile and your so happy!!??... but im so sad...

i just cant write, so as i cant explain my heart.
so as you'll understand..but maybe you can get a sense of me, and who i really am.

If You Only Knew
~
Promise after promise,
i make them to make you feel better,
i like to see your smile,
when you smile the world lightens up with you.
your eyes glazing with joy infront of me as you take my words to your heart, and hold them close.,Like you'll never let them go.
~
But i only promise to give you hope,
...i only promise!
please dont hold me to it.
A promise of sincerity, is something i cant give you.
I wish i could make your dreams come true,
Tell you that everything will be perfect.
I wish i could be the best friend you want me to be,
The Rock that holds you up,
~
A promise to ensure.
A promise of belief.
A promise of forever.
With each one i make to you,
My heart bleeds.
I'm slowly sinking beneath your smile.
Burning in your eyes.
Everytime i hold you up, i feel that its me who'll fall down.
~
I trace the lines of your eyes, your lips, as i lay and watch you sleep.
I stare at you longingly when your backs turned,
A surge of guilt runs through my veins when you touch me.
My head swirls when you speak.
" you'll always be here, right?"
"....always!"
"promise?"
The longing in your eyes,as you cling to my jacket.
~
What would you do if you knew?
That i suffocate so you can breathe,
That i run cold to keep you warm,
I sink so you'll fly,
I lie, So you'll believe,
..because only my words are 'true' for you.
~
What would you do if you knew,
that to save myself i need to leave you,
I need to run away,
Where i cant see you.
Somewhere free and new,
Alone.
where no'one can here me scream,
At the top of my voice, i'll kill the pain that eats me.
~
What would you do if you knew that the 'travel ticket' in my pocket is dated for the day after tomorrow?.
~
promise after promise,
i only make them to make you feel better,
because it is easier to pretend than to hurt.
~
"i promise!"
~
Secured in empty promises,
i melt in your smile
and i despise myself for it.

today

2009-05-17T21:44:56Z

Today has been a really crappy day.

It started ok. but soon dad had to start banging on.
Its like someone repeatedly kicking a bass drum over and over and over in your head.
until you cant take it.

until you want to breakdown and scream..becuase hes repeating the same stuff that hes moaned about for the last 10 years..and if there was any care or feeling that you felt about what hes banging on about... it was lost many years ago..because you cant keep reacting the same way everytime you hear it.
it gets tedious.
You cared...but now you dont care to hear it...or react to it.. so he'll accuse you of not caring, and still bang on and on long into the night.
and it drives you crazy.

..

It started this afternoon when our newly aquired washing/drying machine packed in. hadnt had it long.. but the damn things packed up and i desperately needed my uniform for tomorrows work.
"but my manager is nasty, i need to do something"
"nasty?"
so i told him about Janine coming on site..and my dad was like "eh? what the hell!" in disgust at Maureens thinking.

but anyway. it was i needed to go to the Laundrette and i think it got my temper up..i had to waste a whole day off sat down there..plus it was pouring and with dad going to work in a shortwhile it most probably ment id be heaving my big black sack over my back, bent double, cross the farming fields, in the pouring rain to get home.

But then dad started.. and it wasnt a good combination.

He started moaning, and then yelling.
first about his favourite topic. his bills and what he pays.. always with a receipt to force under your gaze.
Then it was "RENT MONEY"

I feel like im on a verge of a break down.
He goes on and on.
He doesnt stop.
all the way to the laundrette in the car, all the way home.
Watching my washing spinning, i just cried in front of everyone. I'm thankful for peoples ignorance. Because no'one cares to ask if your alright..and thats exactly what i wanted.
I stormed in there, smashed open the door. everything was forced brutally here and there..and then i fell down and cried.

There were some chavs hanging out in there, and not even one of them had any nasty comments to direct over to me..which was good becuase i was in that moan where i would have smashed their faces into the wall behind them.

Dads been going on about how I dont pay any rent money..and living for nothing ect.
"yes i am living for nothing!" i screamed at him.
He yelled and screamed and foamed at the mouth in a temper..on and on.
and i was yelling too.

My rent money is the monthly food supply. If i gave him rent money and left it for him to buy we'd have 'mans food' like Pie in a tin..or chili con carne....genoa cake..
He was going on about how he wants more..ect ect..
How im an adult i need to start living in the real world.
We run him out of house and home. We dont care. blah blah blah!

HANG ABOUT !!!!

for one i pay about £200 a month! and thats only for my computer and a roof to sleep under.. and it fucking is a roof too!
No ceiling!

THese are all the things we dont have and have to put up with not having becuase dad cant afford them.

*Hot water ( he turned it off about 6 years ago. probably longer)
*Heating system ( we have a few delapidated heaters, they've never been turned on. we've never ever had heating)
* No washing machine or dryer. ( which is a bitch! in winter).
I have to pack everything into a black sack, hoist it over my shoulder bent double, and walk across farming fields or the old railways embankment to the laundrette, an hours slow walk twice.
* No vehicle for over a year up until this year.. and i had to make the 90min walk to tesco / sainsbury's heaving bags of shopping, and 12 tins of cat meat after a hard day of work.
* A workshop as a home. nothings finished or completed..everythings in ruins and is decades old.
" we're not replaceing the carpet. when i bought it, it said built for life. so we're keeping it".
* I have no cieling -roof beams up into the roof
                     carpet - rotting floor boards
                     homely facilities
                     no plaster on my walls - i try to put posters over the breeze blocks but they wont stick.
                     no window sill / no rail for curtains - i balanced a piece of wood under the window.
* when we had a key meter, once it had run out we sat in the dark until the sun came up.

What i do have is a fuck load of whopping great big spiders some with a body bigger than your hand.
                            a jcb digger at the bottom of the garden behind the sheds.
                            a garden loitered with sheds.
                            tools and machinery living indoors
                            sofas which is where guitars live.
                            thier instrument playing through the night.
                            random junk turning up at our house becuase hes 'found' it.
                            second hand crap that doesnt work.

He yells he cant afford these things, and if i dont like it i can get out and live somewhere else. because ITS HIS HOUSE!. Yep thats damn true it is his house, because im not claiming to own this eccentric residence.

"so wheres jons rent money?"
" he doesnt have a job"
" hes 18!!!, so if i dont have a job then its ok for me then??"
" lisa when he had a job he gave me 80 quid actually"
£80 in 3 years????
" so if i give you £160..that will get me 6 years?"
" look if you dont like it..." blah blah blah!.." you contribute sod all"

200 quid for fuck all is steep as it is. i get fuck all for my rent money!
i put my rent money into the food.

WOULD YOU PAY 200+ TO LIVE THIS WAY?

"ok i'll give you rent money, but i expect Hot water / Heating / home facilities / a hygenic room with a door and privacy"
...oh fuck did that then start him on a rampage.

I DONT HAVE A DOOR ON MY BEDROOM. i have a knocked through window, looking straight onto the landing.

I'm a woman!

...

would you pay for this?

"NO'ONE would pay you to live here. if i didnt put money into the food, you couldnt afford to eat!"
i yelled at him.

My dad works 12 hours everyday..no'one works harder than my dad. all his wages goes on debts (which my poxy mother ran up) and bills. He hasnt got a social life, he doesnt drink, he doesnt go out. he doesnt smoke. hes just eccentric.
and his life is probably hell...but hes taking me there with him.

he gives me such a headach.
i feel like cinderella in a loft with colourful clothes and my computer.
we havent got nothing, we dont use nothing.
We wash our knives and forks under cold running water when we need them because to fill a boil of cold water is stupid and well...cold.
in the summer our house is chilly.
dad is stupid enough to let anyone round..and they keep their coats on.

in the winter the house is freezing.. imagine washing your face with cold water..so that you feel you dont even want to bother.
imagine stepping out of the shower in the middle of winter, into a frosty stone floor bathroom, wet and naked. because thats what i have to do and have always done.

at night i have to peel back the cold, wet, stiff, sheets of my bed and get in... sleep in the cold.

..then id get up in my freezing bedroom, put on my cold wet uniform, walk to tesco, an hour in the cold..work in the freezers, walk the hour home in the cold, and the pitch black along the dangerous bendy road..and come home to a cold house. only to start again.
i told tesco i was too cold. they said it wasnt there problem..no..but it was mine! so i was saying "im sorry but im too cold".

im sick of walking my washing on my back to the laundrette.
once dad and jon came to meet me.
i walked bent double crying. only when we got nearly home did jon offer to help me carry it, and then i burst into tears because i was hating them, two grown men not even helping a woman to carry her washing.. just strolling besides..but then jon offered just before we got home and i felt guilty.

the waters so cold. it doesnt wash off my makeup..but i dont always want to walk about feeling ugly.

if anyone comes to our house, i hide and cut any sound..usually for about 30 mins and then hope theyve gone away. if anyone saw my house i wouldnt ever let them see my face again.
dad is stupid he'll invite anyone round. and when he does. i sit silent upstairs and pretend im not here.
in fear of anyone seeing me.
when hes stupid enough to bring them upstairs to show people his trains.. i sit inside my wardrobe and stay there..sometimes for hours, until theyve gone.
i'll never let anyone round my house.
never.

Wataru-san asked me and jonni about staying for a week..and we both looked at eachother terrified wondering what excuse we could use..we were on msn talking to him so we didnt have much time to think either.
we let Reika come round...me and jonni tidied the kitchen and front room, frantically for 6 days straight. it was ok cos we had time to prepare, but we were still ashamed she had to see our house.

pictures that i'll let you see.

my room, from landing and inside.

our house
this is where the guitars go, and if you touch one or 'heavens No!!' move one...your in BIG trouble.
dad said the colour was the same, so this horrid extra chair found its way into our frontroom in the middle of the floor. jon put them together to sleep on. oh and our kitchen.
a gas canister for our bathroom.more of our front room.more bleddy trains SHEDS!!! plus a JCB behind the last one.

I PAY ENOUGH RENT, FOR WHAT I GET!
"well it doesnt matter, uncle richard is going to buy the house and im getting 'digs' soon" is what dad announced.

oh right so me and Jon can sleep on the streets again then.
if that happens i wont ever speak to him ever again. any realationship will be terminated, as far as im concerned.
Richard is out for what he can get all the time. and dads stupid.
if dad ruins my life n dreams, i'll stab him right in the heart like he'll have done to me.i love him so much i'll need to stab him to make him hurt as much as i'll feel.
i'll get a roof over my head in prison and a ceiling!!.

i feel like a house wife. dad expects me to go to work and put my wages all into a 'family' jar.
im not a house wife.
he hates it when i spend money to go out, and i dont go out, only ever for concerts.
thats my only passion.
he wants my life to be a grey vacum of nothingness....like his.

But i cant do it!!!

i really cant do it.

When i was a teenager, i went to school to get bullied, i came home to get beaten by my mother and her emotional violence..and i lived in my room. i used to make myself so tired, and then put carrier bags on my head and tie them tightly. then go to sleep. i hallucinated.. and if i didnt rip it off, my sister used too.
sometimes i wish i had succeeded.

life is too hard.
i used to lean over the edge of the railway embankment over the bridge at the top of the arch, over the high one and think about letting go.

id stay there leaning over for hours crying and yelling till my lungs nearly burst.

i was always glad after when i grew out of wanting to die.. i went on a crusade of ' im not mud, i'm gunna stand up for myself form here forwards'.

now i think..was this vacum of nothingness worth it all. maybe i should have let go..or watched all the bugs crawling on my face inside the carrier bags..as i went dizzy.

my dad wants more than i can give.
i get grilled just for having a light on.
i dont even watch the tv anymore. i took up reading books and learning languages.

now all i have is my computer.... and he gives me headach because that uses electric.

so today i brokedown, and my cheeks are still soaked now.
because i cant do it anymore.
i cant hear it anymore.
i cant live like it anymore.

and the only ones who care when i cry are my 6 best friends.
becuase they lick my tears from my face and cuddle up on knee and rub their faces under my chin.

my loud crying just echos around the breeze blocks up in the roof.

and its so cold. its always cold.

fujiwara7 @ 2009-04-29T21:17:00

2009-04-29T20:36:41Z

Ryuusei Rocket

Cherry Saku Yuuki
I love this song, its brilliant, i recently didnt see the p.v.. then i saw it, and thought the song was much better than the p.v gave it credit for.
like p.v, but i prefer to just listen to the song on its own.

Please check out AnCafe by yourselves, theirs so much stuff floating around youtube, so many photos and stories and fun interviews.

Please give them half a chance and go and see them End of this year when they come back to U.K.
Your now upto date with the AnCafe saga, and the rest is the future.

ANCAFE NEVER GIVES UP.
Lets all think this way about our dreams and future aspects.
xxxx

AnCafe.
2001

2009

THE FUTURE

?????

fujiwara7 @ 2009-04-29T20:48:00

2009-04-29T20:14:05Z

AnCafe are doing very well, and they WILL be getting bigger throughout europe, just like Dir En Grey and Miyavi.

AnCAfe is going to keep growing in strength, and fans love them.
Some fans still cry for Bou (hell we all do), and some fans refuse to talk about him, either because its too painful or becuase they dont understand how he could leave, and they hate him for it.
But we've been told Bou is prospering in his dreams, and thats something we can feel happy about.
If Bou left becuase he didnt believe AnCafe wouldnt go anywhere, well he was wrong and that was his mistake. Maybe he went and opened his Meat Shop which he laughed and said he'd been thinking about doing a long time ago.
You wont find any Bou role / cosplayers at an AnCafe anymore, out of respect for the original members and their pain, and the new members and their chance to make it in their own shoes as a member of AnCafe..
but any other rock festival and scattered far and wide you'll still spot many Bou Cosplayers.
Bou is gone, and if he returns with a new band, he'll do well and people will put their hands on their hearts and love him still.

AnCafe have already clocked up a number of new p.v's in these last two years, and a new album also.
My heart leaps for C

Summer Dive

Aroma

I went along to anCafe for the first time last year and i didnt expect much from them, i was a Bou fan becuase i liked him but i thought AnCafe were silly boys playing funky pop.
i decided to go in support of Japanese rock Bands coming to Europe.

I went there in a negative mind, not too much expectation... and i was blown away. i was overwhelmed. It was fun. It was one of the best concerts id ever been too. They played with us, and got the blow ups out, we danced together, and screamed.
It was nothing like id been expecting, it was much better.

It was much rockier music, Miku put in some 'Metal' screams and they didnt look like little 'too-much cute' boys, the looked like men of 24.. and they were hot. not airbrushed to look cutesy like on tv, and magazines.

The music was mind-blowing, and i came out of that concert knowing i was a fan and i couldnt turn back, and everytime they play i make it my mission to go and see them.
AnCafe are amazing.
Their lives are so much better than expectation.

A New Era

2009-04-29T19:25:58Z

AnCafe always had one dream, and that was to make it to the Nippon Budokan..
Bou always said they'd make it together.. but now that seemed like only a dream now he wasnt with them.

However the more they thought about such dreams, the more they realised they still wanted them..
..
....??!!
But how would AnCafe work now?..with three heartbroken members?

Luckily Miku, Kanon and Teruki had a couple more friends.

BONUS!!

Takuya

&
Yuuki

Who both like FOOD!!! Bonus!

AnCafe.. pondered.
Tried out a few poses..could it work?

A Crushed Dream

V.S

A New Era.

and found they quite liked it..

"Never give Up" - Miku

So picking up their instruments they went out and took it to the fans.
ANCAFE IS HERE TO STAY!! and Japan Cheered with Happiness.

Funny Teruki was back with his smile, Yay!!
Cute Miku was grinning, YAYY!!!! MIKU, and beside him was Kanon, and Hearts warmed with happiness. Teruki, Miku and Kanon !!XXXX
and then they saw Takuya... and 90% of Bou fans twitched a bloodshot eye vehenimously..but soon fell for his good looks... He wasnt Bou but they'd give him a whole half of a chance to proove himself...

...and then....and then....WHO THE HELL IS THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and the fans hissed and spat and beared their teeth and claws.
And Yuuki gulped and smiled.

" he makes a mockery of AnCafe "
" We HATE Yuuki!! "
*hiss*
" Never be as good as Bou.."
" IS THAT STUFF his hair or a hat?"

and the such.. and fans logged into their comms and lj's and facebooks to spit over Yuuki.
much Nastiness and the bullying of Yuuki, until he cried.

..and they cheered for the Original members.

" Attractivness isnt important..its a persons heart that matters" - Yuuki.

Yuuki's chance was much harder to proove than Takuya's.
But with his fun personality, and his ever enjoyable humour.. Yuuki soon started to win the fans hearts.. until people being nasty about Yuuki felt guilty and 'Be Nice To YUUKI' fanclubs opened in his honour.

Yuuki is fun and bright and hes got a whole bagful of humour and kind heart.
..and Fans retracted their claws and started waving at him, especially when they realised that under his curly wig was actually a very sexy guy.
(Miku and Yuuki, without his wig)

Yuuki''s real identity

and Yuuki stayed his fun self and kept smiling regardless & won his chance with the fans.

AnCafe from that point kept going forwards and forwards.
last year they went on their first world tour, a Few months back they finisjhed and their second, and at the end of this year AnCafe will be starting their 3rd world tour.
AnCafe's strength keeps growing and growing.
Fans accept them as 'ANCAFE', and while Bou is never forgotten, Fans cheer and smile and feel honest happiness for AnCafe and all 5 members.

Everybody loves anCafe

ANCAFE WILL NEVER GIVE UP !!!

written here for space purposes

2009-04-29T18:08:39Z

THE LAST PART OF THE ANCAFE SAGA.

under cut

Ok the last few bits...to where we are now!

BRIEF SUMMARY

Ok, So Ancafe was created by Bou, who found Miku and Kanon who replied to his band ad over internet.
Bou was ever such a gentleman and the guys loved him for his kindness.
He persuaded Miku's mum to let Miku join Bou's band, and every night to his word, talking to Miku all through the train ride home,he would drop him off on his very doorstep everynight to be sure that Miku was safely home.. and When Kanon was incredibly shy to talk to anyone, Bou always made him feel comfortable by giving him his time and care.
Bou always showed his friends that he cared for them.
Knowing Kanon lived alone, Bou went round his house to take Kanon out to eat so as he wasnt alone with no'one to talk to... and Bou always made Miku happy by getting him a gift every birthday..never forgetting.

The 3 of them worked hard with their music, Miku who had never sung before, and Kanon and Bou with their instruments.

3 months later.. They found Teruki and very soon the phenominal Ancafe as we always knew it, made their first single..pv, and album, and every music magazine had their faces in it.

"lets stay as friends for eternity"

Ancafe were sailing the RJock seas, making music and loving their fans and eachother, with all their hearts and dedication.
But then 5 happy years later, rumours started going around within AnCafe & Management.. upsetting rumours of Bou being unhappy.

In fear the other 3 members sat down and chatted with Bou.
Bou wasn't happy anymore...and the other 3 brokedown in pain at the news their best friend was leaving them..
The news had to comeout sometime and they soon officially announced that Bou would be leaving.

" at first i was angry, i couldnt understand it, but Bou looked like he was being bullied and i couldnt bring myself to persuade him to stay.. i believe Bou felt more pain from leaving than anyone" - Teruki.

AnCafe announces news... That 30th April 2006 on the last live of 'Hibiya on the O new Sekai' tour, Bou, guitarist of Antic Cafe, will play as a member of anCafe for the last time.

And Caffeko's all over wept for Bou.
AnCafe cried on stage and brokedown during speeches about their friendship with Bou, and Kanon told the crowd about how he and Bou took a walk down the beach once and looked up at the stars together.
The whole day was very emotional, and there was no dry eyes amongst hundreds and thousands of crying fans & band members alike.

Ancafe performed their last song together exactly 2 years ago, tomorrow.
(after performance, Bou speaks, and Miku and Bou are seen hugging for the last time)
please click links, embed unavailable.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_T6yfA8dhw8

Bous last Live Pictures.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cvu0Ysqi0A

With the last live finished & Bou now gone to persue other dreams, as was his statement.. and with only 3 band members, two of which - Miku and Kanon crying together that they couldnt and wouldnt do the band without Bou...AnCafe's future seemed to be crushed beyond repairable.
Inner band arguments, and many rumours of Bou leaving AnCafe on very bad terms rather than the good terms that was led to be believed.

Teruki, Miku and Kanon's dreams were over..
Everyone felt heartbreak as fear of AnCafe splitting spread amongst the fans..

Passion of Christ

2009-04-28T18:19:00Z

LET ME DIE......TO LIVE MORE.

if im scratching..and its not bleeding..fans think i'm pretending..i think.. FUCK YOU!
they think its part of the show..they are wrong!

Last Speech

2009-04-27T21:41:32Z

Bou's Goodbye

Being the guitarist of AnCafe has been true happiness.
"if you look up at the sky, people who are not with you, can hear your voice.."
BOU'S SPEECH... approx 4 mins
(Miku's sits with his back turned in saddness)

Miku - the four of us believe that when you meet by chance in life..its a miracle".

BOU'S MESSAGES.

FOR MIKU
You are the best vocalist, Miku. From the first time I met you, you said that you would start a band, and not knowing anything, you worked hard. It was fun. Everyday, I think and am so glad that are the vocalist and that you are perfect. I believe that you are strong. Please work hard with all your strength. I am looking forward to your singing voice that will be riding the good feeling wind. Your presence on stage was so great and awesome and was very reliable! Thank you for being the vocalist! Thank you for loving to sing! I was in happiness. Please make me even more lovey dovey on the last stage. Kind regards from here out, as a loved friend! With all my heart, nyappy!!

FOR KANON
Genius Kanon. From the time you told me, you tried so hard, was so determined, and so kind. I was truly happy...Every time I saw your face, tears built up. But because I�m a show off, I held it in, but the sad face you gave when you said �it�s going to be the last time we stand back to back in the center and play guitar...,� I can not forget. I am excited to play with you at Hibiya. We aren�t very good, but I think that we are hot! Thank you for always keeping me warm. I will forever love you, genius and strange Kanon!

FOR TERUKI
Whom I will forever respect, Teruki. Thank you for holding Antique Caf� together. The first time I met you, it was love at first sight, you were like a brother, and even if the other two opposed, I thought that I would definitely make you the drummer. That was, without flaw, a success. The days that I spent with you were truly fun. Even our routes back home were the same, and even though you found it troublesome, you made me happy! When I decided and told everyone, you told the hopeless me �it can be anything; you don�t have to come to practices; I just want to stand on the stage with you,� and I was able to come to think that as a man, I should try hard until the end. Thank you. Twinkling Teruki, always making me happy and making me laugh, please try your hardest! I will forever respect you.

And then Bou was gone, and AnCafe were left heartbroken and in uncertainty of their future.

ON THURSDAY. WILL BE THE 2 YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE 'ORIGINAL' ANTIC CAFE, BREAK-UP.
please be sensitive to AnCafe fans, 70% of them loved Bou best from AnCafe.
On thursday i will sit in my dark corner and stay there..and on friday i will smile again.

NOT WITHOUT YOU

2009-04-27T21:21:03Z

KANON 7 MIKU

"but i would be happy if he could only stay next to me "- Kanon.

" Bou is the only person who never forgot my birthday, he would always sent me a text and a present" - Miku.
....
....
....
AFTER HEARING the news their friend was Leaving both Kanon and Miku were so heartbroken that they both decided they didnt want to do AnCafe anymore..Not without Bou.
THey each wanted to leave.. and there was personal fights over it, within the band...and lots of crying..as boy do actually do from time to time.

I'm not sure, but i think it was probably Teruki and Bou who persuaded them to stay and stick with AnCafe.
...
...
...
KANON'S SPEECH.. 3 mins aprox
*cries and trembles and shakes at the Mic*

(when i was really shy and couldnt talk, Bou always gave me his attention. When i was living by myself and ALL ALONE, Bou came round and took me out to eat in family Restaurants, so i wasnt by myself)

Kanon tells his story about his and Bou's walk on the beach with the stars.

Kanon's written message (different from video)
This time, I am filled with sadness that Bou will be leaving. After coming to Tokyo, Bou was the first member that I met and it was decided that Antique Caf� would form and after Antique Caf� started, I was with him more than my family, and it was so natural that I couldn�t even think that he would be leave. I didn�t even think that a day that I would have to announce a comment like this would come. Playing the same kind of instrument, I always truly thought that Bou was better and it was really fun on stage, and I was very happy to see Bou�s smile when our eyes met on stage. I always wanted to be with you. When you first told me that you were going to quit, I was in shock and couldn�t agree with you and I could only think on it with opposal. But after listening to your strong decision, as a friend and as a comrade, knowing that this not a departing but a journey, want to see you off. We are going to be chasing different dreams, but even if we�re apart, our bond will always be connected. I am very sad that I can not be with you, but holding your words that you said with a smile of �try hard� as encouragement, I will move forward with Antique Caf� and forever and ever, try hard. With this sudden announcement, I am filled with regret towards all the Cafekkos. I am truly sorry.

...
...
...
MIKU'S SPEECH.... approx 3mins
*cant find his voice through the tears, then breaks*

"Bou is so kind, when i was tired he made sure i got home safely and bought me home to my house..he talked to me on the train.."

(I think Bou took Miku all the way right to his door everynight, and made sure he was safe..becuase it was Bou who convinced Miku's mum to let him be in the band in the begining, Bou's kindness).

message from Miku (different from video)

I deeply apologize to everyone for the sudden announcement. I think that most of the Cafekkos must be grieving and feeling sad right now. When I first heard from Bou, I was so much in shock that I lost words. All the fun memories from the time that we formed came rushing back and I painfully and sadly worried. We kept talking with the members and even thought about breaking up. But after thinking, I want to support the path that you have chosen and want to erase the Cafekkos tears, even if it is only a day early. Our decision will keep running. Even though are paths will be different, we are friends and we are a family. Bou and we will carry our dreams and try hard, so we will be happy if you warmly watch over us from here out. Let�s work together to make Bou�s graduation on April 30th, the best.

Lastly, Bou...truly thanks after these four years. You gave me kind e-mails when I was sick and you even came to my house to talk parents into letting me be in the band after they opposed. There are so many memories that I can�t write them all, but these are the only words I can think of now. Truly, thank you. Let�s make April 30th the best graduation.

written here for space perpouses.

2009-04-27T20:46:15Z

Ancafe was started when Bou decided he wanted to form a band, and put an ad on the internet..first finding Miku, but it wasnt working.. then bou fround Kanon..and miku came back for a 2nd chance.. the three best friends formed a Band and two months later Teruki joined them.. AnCAfe came alive. They played as a JRock band for 5 years together..

AND THEN IT HAPPENED......

(Teruki's video below)

" On April 17, 2007, information was leaked that stated Bou would be leaving the band for personal reasons. Bou will play his final performance with the band on the 30th of April 2007, before he leaves to continue his own path".

Bou said he was leaving for personal reasons and that he had other dreams to chase and challenge.. or such was his excuse anyway.

"There had been something that I wanted to challenge for a while now and I had been suppressing it as it kept growing and growing inside my heart. But as I went to tours and recordings, I felt as if I was lying to Cafekkos and the other members... I thought that it would be wrong to the members, staff, and Cafekkos if I kept it like this so I made a decision. This decision was talked over a lot amongst the members and concluded. Of course, I still love Antique Caf� and I love you Cafekkos. Right now, I can�t easily say what will happen from now, but I think after some time passes. I truly feel bad for all the Cafekkos that believed in me and was with me. But this decision is not a pessimistic decision. I want to hold a new hope and move on. I plan to show my all at the live on April 30th. Then, let�s say �goodbye� with smiles" - Bou.

No'one knows what happened to Bou, but Teruki has said very recently that Bou is doing well, and thats more than we hear from other ex-JRockers.
Usually they leave never to be heard of again. So its a nice small smile for us to know this.

So now i have some videos.

Teruki's speech on Bou leaving - 3 mins aprox

( At first i was really angry!..i thought it would be no good without him here..no Good!, does it not matter to him that we worked so hard together? )

Teruki wrote.

Before hearing from Bou himself, I had heard from a third party that he had thoughts of leaving. From that point, I thought that I would try to stop him. It is because I thought that Bou�s existence was essential for us, for Antique Caf��s future, and for the Cafekkos. But when I heard from Bou, �I want to quit,� I couldn�t stop him and could only answer with �okay, I undertand.� At that time, Bou was like a completely different person and had a sad face, as if he was being bullied. I think that this answer was an answer that Bou himself worried and painfully made. He even felt that it was �a betrayal to the members, staff, and Cafekkos.� He probably couldn�t talk to anyone about it and worried on it alone. I thought that by saying �don�t say that and let�s work hard together,� I would put him through more pain, so I didn�t stop him.

I truly feel regretful towards the Caffekos. I am sorry. I know that everyone is in pain, but I think that Bou suffered the most. Please understand his feelings. I want to be with him everyday, be even the smallest support, and am very vexed and miserable. I want to make April 30th a wonderful live so that Antique Caf� will be a beautiful and fun memory to him. I will be happy if you Cafekkos will try too

Miku & Kanon Spam

2009-04-26T18:00:12Z

you'll notice that AnCafe advertise the Japanese Fashion Brand 'SexPot Revenge'.. they did anyway when bou was with them, not sure if they still do.
Sexpot Revenge is also my favourite Brand too!.. (and h.Naoto.. but thats well expensive stuff).

(please dont confuse Kanon with Aoi from Gazette *sigh*)

Bou & Teruki Spam

2009-04-26T17:43:56Z

oh the wonders of photobucket. xx

AnCafe Spam

2009-04-26T17:31:26Z

Bou & Teruki

Kanon & Miku

Teruki & Miku

Bou & Kanon

Miku & Kanon

Kanon, Bou & Miku

Miku & Kanon

Kanon, Miku & Bou

Kanon & Bou

Teruki & Kanon

Miku & Bou

continued

2009-04-26T14:11:32Z

part 4

Miku and his magic tricks,
Bou and Kanon play together on guitar ans JENGA!

HOW ANCAFE GOT TOGETHER & other fun stuff
Eng sub

writeing it here for the space..to link from

2009-04-26T14:06:20Z

Messing around with AnCafe, Fun Antics.

ENGLISH SUBBS
3minutes each aprox

AnCafe are left to their own devices and chatter, but everytime the Chime rings they must each pick a card from the magic bin, and Answer or perform.

part 1

Bou and his meat Shop

part 2

Kanons imitations..which leaves everyone else confused! Hmmm!

part 3

Teruki's 3 worst memories!

ISS WORKERS ONLY

2009-02-21T00:46:38Z

Fortress of Maureens Minions

THE GAME

Welcome, This is my Fortress and i am 'Thee GameKeeper' of all Koopa-Troopas (ie, YOU!!!)

Fortress of Maureens Minions (Iss workers), is a challenge game. A test of bravery and free-spirit. It will test your guts to the max, push you to your limits, erase your safety nets and leave you feeling proud and full of much more confidence than you started out with.
A good thing right?

THE GAME is a dare / task challenge. Where players must complete 1 Mission per week, which has been appointed to them.
All missions passed will recieve a reward.
All missions failed will recieve a 'FAIL' punishment.

Easy as that!

Recieve your Mission, Complete the task, and Pass.... SIMPLE.

WHY?

Maureens Minions has been created to cut up the boring grey days of work.
Every working day is the same as the day before.
Every working day is too long.
Every working day is uneventful.
Everyday passes us by and we all wish that Just 'something' would happen to change 'this' day from all the others.

So this is why we need 'Fortress of Maureens-Minions'.
Playing this Game adds a bit of sunshine and fun to our long, dull, work hours.
'Fortress of Maureens-Minions' is played in light spirits and humour....not with a riding whip!
(unless you want to of course).
We're all friends having a laugh together.
...and you only have to try your best to pass!!!
So why not play!

Rules

* Game Missions must not cause affence, 'extreme' ( though 'average' accepted) embarassement or hurt towards other players and civilians.
* Only to be played in light spirits. The Game is not worth any slanging matches over....its just a game!
* All Missions to be carried out without interferring with your work.

Missions can be carried out through lunch times or through working if it is possible to do so.

* Missions should be carried out properly, no cheating...or whats the point in playing? ( though craftiness and witt welcomed)
* Strong dissagreements on set Missions will be resolved with a ' Mission unaccepted / Fail' and result in a 'Fail' punishment.
* 'Fail' punishments CAN be requested over the Set Mission.
* Only ISS employees can become a 'koopa-Troopa' and take part in playing the 'Fortress of Maureens-Minions'
* Missions should not include / result around Civilians, only other Koopa-Troopas.

HOW TO PLAY

1) You will all have designed your 'Koopa-Troopa' ID cards to your own taste. Card can be supplied.
On your I.D card you will have written your name and I.D number on it.

2) You will recieve your Mission from your 'Koopa' ( Mission-setter).

3) Complete your mission to instruction.

4) You will PASS or FAIL.
PASS = Attempted Mission, and gave 50% effort.
FAIL = Did not Attempt Mission,or We couldnt tell what on earth you were doing!

5) When you have completed you Mission as a 'Troopa' for the week, on friday's you will choose an I.D number to be your 'Troopa' while someone else will choose your I.D number to be your 'Koopa'.

6) 'Koopa-Troopas'
Koopas = Mission Setters
Troopas = Mission Performers

7) Any Koopa has the right to pick you as their Troopa for the week.

8) your only allowed to choose your Troopa, you can not choose your Koopa.
If the I.D number of the Troopa of your choice has been taken you must choose another from the weekly Troopa list.

9) Any spare Troopas not Koopered have the choice to sit out the weeks Game or may be Koopered by a Koopa already owning a Troopa.

10) As a Koopa, When you have chosen your Troopa and crossd them off the weekly list and tag (claimed) it with your I.D number, you will have to provide them with your selected Mission to be carried out for the next week.
As a Troopa, when you have been tagged by you Koopa and crossed of the weekly list, you will be provided with a Mission to be carried out for the next week.

PLENTY OF NOTICE

11) When you have carried out your Mission for the week, that Friday you will return to the list of Troopas and select your Troopa for the following week.While a koopa will choose you.

EVERY WEEK YOU WILL BE A KOOPA-TROOPA.
YOU WILL KOOPA A TROOPA, WHILE YOU'LL BE A TROOPA TO ANOTHER KOOPA.
SO WE ALL SET EACHOTHER MISSIONS EACH WEEK.

Missions

Missions must be : Fun and light,
Written officially on paper, or emailed, available for print - incase of problem and complaint.
Easy enough to perform, attemptable,
None hurtful or uncomfortable,
Mission types are allowed to be repeated.
Do not involve anyone outside the game, unless discussed.
Missions should last between 2 minutes and 1 working day, no longer.
Missions may be aborted only temporarily infront of Maureen / at office if we're not feeling brave enough, but must been resumed after. Even Maureen and Sue can play 'Fortress of Maureens Minions'

Types of Mission (for example only) = perform a 5 line song / rap,
memory tasks,
bluff 3 gullable friends,
stick a spoon on your nose with no hands
how many jellybabys you can stuff into your mouth.
Challenge between Koopa and Troopa, ie muffin contest.
SIMPLE FUN MISSIONS...so everyone can play, and no'one feels upset. Any ISS member can join 'Fortress of Maureens Minions'
Missions must not be a stress, they should be designed to have fun with.

Good Mission example = How many JellyBabies can Lorraine hold in her gob at once. Day / Time = Thursday lunchtime.

Bad Mission example = How many Ral 'suits' can i trip down R71 stairs ( although funny, this type of Mission is not allowed)

Pass Reward
you get to put your hand in the lollipop jar. ( all koopa-troopas put into the lollipop (or selected treat) kitty.

Fail punishment
you will need to stand outside / selected area, and perform 10 star-jumps infront of 3 friends. you dont get a lollipop!

THE GAME KEEPER
ME !!

The Gamekeeper of the fortress, has only one special privilege. They get to set the first weeks tasks, to start the game, then they become the average ' Koopa-Troopa', like everybody else...but is the rule-overviewer. WELL ITS MY GAME!
anyone arguing on Missions can see me, and present their complaint over mission / koopa / troopa / rules.

ANY QUESTIONS?

DEFINITION OF MINIONS = Minion is the word that has been recorded in English since 1501, where it means "a favourite; a darling; a low dependant; one who pleases rather than benefits". Some sources claim the word to be adopted from the Middle French mignon, where it literally means "a favourite, darling". Some sources claim it to be an adjective from old French word mignot, where it means "dainty, pleasing, favourite".

On the other hand, in modern English the word minion refers to an individual of an inferior order, particularly in relative to work . Fr example, the "office minion" refers to a secondary office worker. Minion has been practical in a disparaging sense certain individuals of a royal court. It has been frequently applied to the favourites of the English kings Edward II of England and James I of England, and of Henry III of France.

Game Members.
I have already signed you up, you lucky people!!!
I.D numbers/
FMM1 = Lianne
FMM2 = Sandra
FMM3 = Lorraine
FMM4 = Wendy
FMM5 = Pauline
FMM6 = Janine

Everyone else has the choice to join 'FoMM'

So you will need to make your FoMM membership I.D cards.

and we can all play for this new week coming !! YAY!!
Luv,
YOUR GAME KEEPER.

my candy

2009-02-19T00:38:10Z

MIYAVI.

grrr, *bites*
those sexy shoes and tights!
.

.

.

reminds me of cat slater !!??

tights never looked so sexy ne?

my obsession.... i NEED..really NEED..

2009-02-18T23:50:14Z

Miyavi..Bou..gah..Miyavi.
So fucking ...yum!

i wish i had a cock so i could fuck the hell out of him!
why? why cant i be a gay-guy?

I want to 'ACTUALLY' fuck the boys.
because its my fantasies, its my biggest fetish!
i want to dominate them and make THEM scream!

Fuck!!!

i have such a fetish for transvestism.
but its ONLY the male body i'm attracted to!
I wanna fuck the boys...but im a girl!
I want their thighs wrapped around me, i wanna be inside them and feel them tight around me, writhing beneath me!
i wanna make THEM moan...but i have fuck all to do that with...because im a girl.

i dont want a girl, to dominate one (wheres the fun in that??) because i'm not interested in women.
they dont have the body i lust for...though they are extremely attractive sometimes..not often.
just the odd few. only japanese girls. im not overly gender fussy...but im extremely origin fussy for relationships.
But they arnt satisfying, not for what i want anyway.
people think - you want pretty-femi-boys..you must be a closet lesbian..no not at all..thats a fucked up conclusion. so fucked up i dont understand where you got it from!
i just love a beautiful male body wrapped up in beautiful clothes, nice fitting, nice textures on my fingers. soft male flesh/ body wrapped up so georgous, be it a skirt or tighs or pretty pink jumpers..or silky shirts...japanese punk socks and straps..gothic buckle, chest tight tops. how soft to put your arms around him!

having a fetish for transvestism doesnt mean im a closet lesbian, wantin something that looks like a girl, a female body under the clothes. NO. not at all. i just like beautiful, and beautiful is usually represent as 'feminity', and maybe thats why i love tranny-boys..god knows, but its my fetish. its just how i like my male 'boxed and packaged'
like barbies-ken with his own long hair.

normal relationships?? do malexfemale relationships still exist?? i had forgotten..totally completely.

i forget women even exist when i hear the words 'sex' / 'relationships'

i automatically think Male/Male.
its what seems natural, most normal to me.. hetrosexual..? seems fucking wierd!
incredibly...um..not wierd..pre-historic.
old generation.

i got into JRock...saw fan-service, started to burn inside and then needed.. NEEDED Yaoi ( not cartoons, hate fucking anime..but 'real' male-male yaoi).

Its all i think about.

malexmale.. i want to penetrate the guys, rag the fuck out of them until they pant and beg me.
i wanna grip their hair and twist and hold then in place. hold their hips and clasp their waist. i wanna take them.

im not violent..just like the power of dominance.

also im not fucked in the head...or maybe i am.
i havent had any traumatic experiance... none i couldnt ever handle, think through and move on through.

I havent got a hatred towards guys...none at all..not at all. this obsession is just my sexual fantasies.
my lusts, my night dreams and my day dreams constantly.
its not a deep hidden consequence of a tragic childhood.
i like malexmale.. because im quite jealous, and love to think of my man having sex and what hed be like, but i also couldnt bear to imagine him with a woman..oh no, that would get me angry.. so obviously gay sex is fitting for my lust.
oh so honest of me..!!

BUT gay sex is so fucking hot, when the boys are pretty, and not beefy-muscly-rhinos humping in the grass...yeeergh!
actually my malexmale / gay/ yaoi obsession is only with japanese guys.
ONLY, cos im not attracted to any other origin and then gender doesnt make a difference.

nothing else compares to my fantasy.. not even real sex..real sex is boring. real sex makes me wonder whats the difference between butter and margarine while pasting a smile and tracing the ceiling patterns (what is the difference?).

I always knew i was wierd inside.
i always knew.
never was very comfrtable inside about it.

i must be fucked up!.

the reality of it is, that all these old guilty pleasures have become so normal, that we need new ways to be naughty..new ways to get our thrills and kicks..and so this is my result of that..maybe.

But once i see these japanese guys, i cant go back..it would be like getting used to deluxe and being thrown back to regular.

remember when you loved Red cos it was a strawberry colour...red signified everyones favourite flavours..the coolest colour at school..BUT then you saw **pink** and forgot red..never looked back.

u used to be content with a choc-ice for pudding...until one time daddy bought you home a magnum as a treat...and choc-ice just wasnt as good anymore.

we used to make do with boyzone as the only young band...boring but it was better than your mums music (yerghk..Shawody-wody and abba, Fucking hell!), but then spice girls came along!!. a break through for young peoplein early 90's...then life started getting better.
we progressed to pop -> metal -> j-rock. and now you cant listen to spice girls anymore. our music is too good.
we need more than what we used to make do with...nowadays.

once you see something..'delux' version... theres no going back to regular.

i want... I WANT... i want my fantasy a reality.
I dont even remember hetrosexual sex/relationships..because now im fussy.
i dont want Caucasian or black...
im just not attracted, theres no dizziness, no hotness inside my blood that swirls inside me.
im decensortized completely.

i want pretty-tranny-japanese guys with long hair groomed so pretty and plucked eyebrows..in lacy tops and pink jumpers..i want pretty eye make-up and lipstick.. visual kei, goth or just damned pretty, any is fine.

Personally, i love having a female body, i love being female..gahhh i love the variety of clothes for women, but i want to be able to 'take' guys, and also feel it. i want to be a 'straight' looking gay guy in feminine clothes. its just 'naughtier', more 'enticing'

I want everything i cant have... i want everything impossible.
something that wont ever be possible, not in my lifetime.

i have numbed my tastes to what everyone else would call 'normal'ity.
it doesnt work anymore.
nothing works..my tastes desensitized to 'normal',
i dont want it.

i dont care, im wierd.
i dont care older generation people dont understand me and i dont care for all the " but its wrong, you know where they poke it dont you" comments.
Yes i know, and i crave to do it to them.

i have no attraction for anything other than my obsession with japanese-tranny-boys, my obsession with malexmale sex. my obsession with wanting to turn the table on the boys and make them sweat while i'm bouncing them on my cock. making them growl and moan with their deep voices..open their thighs..and...geez fuck, no i wont say..and then fuck them on the hard surface titles of my kitchen floor.
take my time and ravish them.

I'm not a slut, im extremely frigid with anyone coming near me i dont know or want to, extremely picky - especially for whats on my level.
i have no need to sleep around and i dont. sleeping around doesnt cure or even feed my obsession.
its been years..but im not concerned, because i know i can if i want..i just cant get what i want to my specification..and i know i cant be so fussy..but i am anyway.

and i think i'll be alone forever, becuase nothing compares to my vertual reality.
the place in my head in which i live when my eyes are open through the day.

i hate people disturbing me and pulling me back into reality.
i could stay on my own forever and live in my own head forever..
maybe id forget to move from my bed and my body would rot, but my virtual reality would be alive..and i'd be happy enough.

since christmas ive ahd a few people ask me out, and alot last year..and theye been great people..some have been horrors, including old captain birds eyes.. yuck!
but..... i have no longer have the attraction.

ive fucked my own taste buds over fantasy..and i cant get them back.

i feel IMMUNE!

So while i can never have what i want, rather than give in and settle for second best, i'll stay alone, hump my pillow hahahahaha, fuck myself and live in my vertual fantasy land.

as Gackt said.

"i'm so selfish by myself."

FRAGRANCE

fujiwara7 @ 2008-09-28T16:39:00

2008-09-28T15:40:51Z

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=TkIytHD5v9c

do i have something for dyed red hair?

hmmm strange!

looking for the cartoon?

2008-08-09T23:59:55Z

Cartoon post below the kitten post under this.

(or here in this link - http://fujiwara7.livejournal.com/4417.html?mode=reply )

4 little warewolves

2008-08-09T23:57:51Z

at one minute past midnight this morning, my little kitty Mayu, gave birth to her first litte sprog - KYO, and a whole hour later there was a total of 4 little warewolves.

Yep we have 4 new little kittens.
they have little squashed faces, and their heads are much bigger than the rest of their bodies put together. THEY EVEN HAVE LONG TAILS!!! and i was surprised that they were already fuzzy with fur!
i thought they'd be 'Little-Pinks'.

Ahh they are so cute.

Me and jonni have named them KYO, Mizuki, Kai, an we're not sure for the 4th one. we're torn between Ren and Hizumi.

" we'll wait and see if hes more of a Ren or a Hizumi" Jonni said decidedly.

" how will we know if hes more one than the other??"
" oh, we'll know!"

uhhh...ok.

So yeah.

KYO and 'little4' are the dominate ones for milk. and mizuki and Kai keep getting trampled on, sqaushed and batted away, by the other two.

KYO is light grey, with white and ginger spots and stripes,
Little4 is black with a patched ginger face..so cute.
Kai is black, and mizuki is Blackwith bits of white.
They're walking about and jumping around already.

Mayu made giving birth look easy.
she meowed a little bit, not alot, made no noise during giving birth. did everything properly, needed no help.. se was an amazing and clever little girl.
and it was special for me to witness it all aswell.
me and Tania (Tanya..apparently i spell her name wrong, theres no 'Y'), squeeled. we were so scared and excited, and worried about what o do. but Mayu was a pro. We didnt need to do nything except watch.
Jon was like 'WOW!!' too.

WE went to slee in the early hours, and woke up at 3pm time today.. i spent £70 that my card couldnt handle, getting clean bowls, a nice decent basket and blanket set for the proud mummy fuzzy's to sleep in, loads of food, litter, and tray ect.

Dads screaming we'r not keeping them, but what does he know!
We've named them nopw, and jonni's told him very firmly ( and then rudely...and then in his scream and demand mode) that "yes we keeping them, and thats final".
and seening as jonni the Stoop boy. king of the Stoop, his demands and mouth foaming is usually forced upon and set in stone.
So jons final words were ofcourse Finale.

Good on Jon....for a change.
Dad was scowling, hes not happy... but he'll have to get over it, and while inside i know this will be one hell of a challenge.. im willing to try.

jon demanded that dad tell no'one of the kittens at work because we're not giving any away.. so then dad stompedoffto work muttering to himself pulling faces at no'one in particulars.

hahahahahaha
oh well poor dad.
Its tough but thats what love is.
problems occure and you just have to cope. Its always worth it in the end.
The Mog-meat bill will be terrible, but what can you do!
6 Cats!

i mean if i was to come home with a jelly-belly, and drop 4 howlers, what woul he do? sell them?
i dont thnk so. we'd just have to deal.
So its not fair for mayu to be treatd any different.

Thats my story, and im sticking to it.

Our house is going to pong!
No doubt about it.

Fuck its 1am!!

oh well.
Goodnight.

some pictures. i have a few vids of them but its too late to upload them now.
Dontorry, they're not all falling from mayu's botty.
They are actually cuddled in the basket, while Mayu is stood up over them, shs leaning out the basket eating from her bowl.
not the best pictures, but i didnt want to scare them too much.. and you at least get the idea of how they look so far.

Fu*k Romeo and Juliet! ... xx Padlocked-Love-Promises

2008-08-09T23:05:11Z

This is the ultimate love story, and i know many will agree with me.
I recently, well last year did some appreciation posts fo this film. some really nice, hard effort posts on my love for this story.

...but unfortunately they are so far back id never find them.

But for anyone who needs a reminder of just how good this film is,

Here you go.

'Miss You'

It really melts me.
Makes me fall inlove with the characters all over again, when i watch these fan videos.
unfortuantely my favourite fanvideo, set to Nicklebacks -Far Away, got taken off of Youtube.

I sobbed my eyes out, cos i loved it.

But heres two more of my favourite videos.

We Love You

The best thing about this love story, is that theres more than one love story inside it, and they all connect together so beautifully.

Boyfriends, Girlfriends, bestfriends, and Gay Teen Crushes *wink at Nobu and Shinichi* hehehehhehehehe.

Oh my goodness, the rose petals floating in soapy bath water,
the firting over scrabble, holding hands through the hard times, that famous train jump, and padlocked-love-promises...

Somtimes love is hard, but theres no escaping it. its all those hard times that makes the goodtimes all the more sweeter.

I just love this film because it makes me ache inside and feel such deep love all at the same time.
So many emotions.

It just really encaptures my heart.

NANA - The movie

THis is my second Nana tribute picture.
Last year i drew Nana and Hachi, Which needs colour still.
Ths one is Nana and her love for Ren.

Preview
(please click to enlarge)

Full Version

I really love this cartoon i drew.
Ren was hard and the whole things not drawn perfectly.
But i just love it even so.
All the images i see in my head,and all the memories i remember just from gazing at this piece of paper ive scribbled on, makes me feel so happy.
I can feel the story again inside it.
and it just makes me smile.

They werent supposed to look like 'Guppy chin an fryingpan face' honestly.
but regardless im very happy.

I had to portrait the heads first, which i got the exact scan-capture i was looking for from someones homemade icon, so it was realy small, and enlarging the image too much made it go all blurry.
i took the image from the famour train kiss scene, but decided to put them in my own scene.

Remember after their performance, when they go out into te snow, and Nana complains shes cold, so Ren puts the scarf around them both???.

Well thats what i had in my head for this cartoon.

i really love that scene, the two of them together in the cold snow, wrapped in a scarf. Although its a really small scene, i just thing is shows you alot about the love they have for eachother.

So thats where i got my idea from for my picture.
Although the background, needs to still be added around the characters yet.
The falling snow is on the paper around them, but you cant see it becuase its drawn on in pencil still.

YES!!! I KNOW THE DETAIL ON RENS JEANS IS COMPLETE RUBBISH!

God what was i thinking???
i think i was daydreaming when i was colouring them.

Ren was hard. Infact it was all hard, cos the heads/faces are all drawn to realistic proportioning, cos i portraited them. Then i had to try to cartoon two bodies from real sized heads, and get them close together, when the torso's are of a smaller scale. So yes that was very hard.took a bit of thinking to get them to actually cuddle..and look somewhat good and right at the same time.
So i guess Rens body is slightly twisted, but i was hoping it would look more like hes leaning down slightly to kiss her as shes shorter than him.
Actually from the actual icon, Rens shoulders are ment to be level with his ears, as hes hunched over. but in order to connect them, i had to bring his body down and straighten him up a bit so as they reached eachother without having extra long dangly arms, and a heafty gap between their bodies.
It was really tough, and considering how much worse Ren could have looked. im extremely happy. This picture almost caused tears, but i was too stubborn to give up.
Go Me!!!

I'm wanting to draw a cute bath scene between Nana and Ren, and also Nobu and shinichi together too.
But nothing in the way of fanservice/yaoi.
Just mates grinning together, not sure what i'll do with them. But Kenichi has that smirk and Hiroki has that beautiful smile..and they're always flirting. so i wanted to get them drawn too.

but anyway. i realy hope you like this drawing..enough.
i tried hard with this one.
Just the planning of the body angles wore me out. It took some of my best efforts just to get that part planned.

i have my two halves.
i would love it if someone could paste them together for me.
I would really appreciate that.
because i have no programs for doing it.
but its up to you.
and thank you.

Top half

thin overlap left for pasting. xxx

OH and my Mayu, had kittens at 1 minute past midnight this morning.
4 beautiful little warewolf looking things! hahahahahhahaa. they all grey!
Will show pictures nd videos when loaded up. xxxx

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY OF ALL TIME

2008-08-09T21:25:40Z

I've actually recently drawn a picture, well 13th of july to be exact.
ages ago now, i was jus too lazy to mess around with a crap computer and cranky old scanner, but as things seem to be on the bright side now, i actually took the effort and patience to scan it.

See if you can guess who / what my picture is of!!.

When the backgrounds finished, they'll be stood out in the cold night.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.

Holding eachother as the snow falls all around them.
.
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Guessed who they are yet????

Gackt's Dear!!!

2008-08-08T18:52:03Z

OH MY GOD life is amazing!!

Not only has my search engine decided to boot into gear but im so happy.

Yes im getting70 a penny add pop ups, but who cares when my search engine is working!!!

i never realised how much i needed my search engine / link/ website access before it packed in.

and here it is..strolls right on back and im the happiest girl in the world.

my keyboard keys arnt working any better but the speed of my computer seems to have rapidly increased.

Which is all good for me!

Hopefully it wont reset back to shit mode when i shutdown later.
*fingers crossed*

If my computer is fially sorting itself out, then maybe i wont hve to shutdow every 20 minutes, mayb i wontkeep loosing internet connect , encountering problems and having to reload internet every 10 minutes.

maybe it wont take 45 minutes very page open/change... and just maybe i wont have to get angry anymore and i'll atually spend more time online more often again!!!!!

How cool would that be.
I can have a virtual reality life again!! ..and i never thought id get excited over saying that.

But the big news is this..

I'm really happy, but i understand that some of my friends may be pissed off and angry at me.
Because if it wasnt me, i'd b sat here pouting, maybe even fuming and thinking 'its not fair, i hate her'.

I know how deeply this issue affects people...
its not a light issue, especially when fans start wars over this issue...

~~I'M DATING MIYAVI~~

No i'm not its, a big FAT LIE, i wish....ok,
.....but i bet your heart stopped for a second.

Now the body shock has happened and gone, Nothing can be as bad as reading that from an lj friend, now can it. So now nothing can be that shocking.
So this may now be easier to read.

But.

I wll be an Official DEAR

One of Gackts Dears....Officially.
Even though i dont own, myself a japanese address.
I curbed around it.

I've probably angered lots of friends and fan, who are fighting for a European DEAR's membership, right now. Who cant get it becuase of the rules, and its not fair that ive just debunked them all and got membership.

I am sorry. I truelly am, i know i'm bad, and i'm expecting a massive friends drop, especially if i admit to this on Shinji-Mi03 lj.
Which i havent got the guts to do yet... where all my Gackt friends are.. but i will eventually.

All i can say is, I'm weak, and just like everyone else is panicking over the Gackt 2008/2009 tour, and ticket 3second sell outs... well i was frightened over it too.
Maybe other people are better than me, maybe if they could do what i did, they wouldnt, out of respect and principle..... but i really cant.
I have no excuse, that holds up, that i can give you.
Except that in my heart i know i'll do anything to see Gackt, and to hell with whatever happens in life to me afterwards. whether my bank gets me sent to jail over my burning debts, or a bus hits me crossing over the road.
I just feel like i have to be there screaming and dancing in that crowd, letting Gackts voice vibrate through my body and warming up my heart.

Everyone feels the same as me, and i know that.
But i couldnt stop myself.. i had to do it.

I'm sorry.

But i cant deny that i am feeling ever so happy inside.
now i can get FC seats to Fukuoka.
And yes i am happy.
My head is dizzy and dazed.
This last month my nose has bled everyday. i've lost loads of blood..and ive been faint.
Its been wierd.
but now i have a good reason to feel this way.
I tremble, my fingers shake just thinking that now i have a chance to see Gackt, and that i can do it.
If i try really hard.

i'm really sorry to everyone, screaming and spilling blood together in the 'Bring DEARS Fanclub to europe' war and Petition masacres.

please forgive me.

luv Shinji-Mi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgAXdb_UQLc

Love is performance. by Gackt

(its ok, i'm expecting the hate mail. so plese come and kick my head in now an yell how bad a person i am... and i will take and accept it all.. becuase i am truelly sorry for my weakness)

..FOR JONNI ONLY

2008-07-23T18:45:00Z

Jon this email is very important you read.

..................................

Gackt official tour dates at bottom of email

..................................

GACKT IS PERFORMING HIS LAST EVE TOUR !!!! 2008 -2009

'Requiem et Remiscence II'

THIS IS OUR LAST CHANCE TO EVER SEE GACKT...our very last chance, our saint, god and hero on stage. IN JAPAN!!!!!!

THE REAL THING

if we're ever going to go to Japan, this is it, ths is the time!!!

FARAMIR, WE GOING TO JAPAN!!!!.

Remember how amazing Miyavi, Gazette, Dir En Grey, and An Cafe were..? the hard work was worth it wasnt it!!

THIS WILL BE EVEN MORE AMAZING.

REALLY MAGICAL THE BIGGEST DREAM COME TRUE IN WHOLE LIVES.

i havent checked maps and locations yet, so i have no idea where this place is. and we're not on a strict plan yet, so we can change the venue, but i figured on the 29th and 30th of march.

We're goin to need a few thousand, about £3000 maybe more, or slightly less.

So Next march is only a fe away from the final, and in the same venue twice, it must be a big venue. It will also give us time to save enough money. Recove from miyavi. we wont make it any sooner, im drowning in debt, you need to get a job and work your arse off.

I DAMN WELL MEAN IT. THIS IS OUR LAST CHANCE. IF YOU DONT GET A JOB AND RUN THROUGH FIRE ON HOT COALS, AND I GET SACKED. WE'LL BE FUCKED.

plus joe wants his money back.

Going for the end of the turwill be our only option.

I think we've proved now, that we make an excellent 'new-country-groupy-travelling-team'.

You know we can SO DO THIS.

You have to believe we can do it and we will. We've pulled it off twice now.

Japan ill be our biggest task, but we can do it.

and think of how we'll regret it if we miss Gackt, out of everybody, wen all we had to do as slave away for half a year. half a year o our whole lives.

i cant sit at home Knowing Gackt is there giving the last best performance of his life.

nothings set yet.

we can always change the venue idea..or add more.

but we cant add anymore until we know we're going to try our hardest, no matter what. YOU MUST get a job, and start looking as soon as possible. and find one to start in thenext ew weeks.

friday i will go and open a japan savings account, where we can both put as much as possible into each week/month.

i can do thi one on my own this time, i cant pay or you.. i cant pay at all for you, nd im not being nasty. but i could o to court if my debt isn paid nd i owe more money than we're ving up for, then i have normal bills and joe to pay off, on a crappy cleaners wage.

we both need jobs, regardless of what it is.

you cant keep buggering off to tanya's. if your in, you have to work for this.

If Tanya can get the money together for her flights, tickets, and travel money she is welcome to come. but we cant pay for her.

we'll barely make it as it is, and paying for someone else could fuc us over while we're there.

ive looked at various costs, travel, feed, visa an travelling insurance ( must have for japan) and we'll need a good few grand.. andthen merchandise money.

email me back ASAP.

i wont be here later... i dont plan to be at least.

but im here for a few hours now..

ring me later from 9pm, or when you get this, keep rining itand stopping and then re-ring it and keep going. i have music on so give me a cance to hear it and run. if dad picks up when he comes home then ask for me.

( i havent told dad yet, hs still complaining about food money an rent from miyavi...so its best not to tell him yet)

...and i wont tell Tanya about it yet either if you dont want her to know cos you think she'll get upset over it.

..but she can come and i will look after her.

so yeah keep ringing continuously until i answer from 9pm, or try and get me on msn. i think you blocked my msn in a mood cos even whn i know your online, your blanked off. so sort it out and we can quickly talk.

but email or ring me asap.

i'm going to start planning this trip is my seach engine will work that is.

we will need to buy tickets and have the money for them as soon as they go on sale, so we need to get jobs ready ad things now, so we know how many shows we can aford to get too, and have the money for ticket opening day.

remeber Gackt and Hyde's tours sold out within a few minutes last time. i will take a sick day just to stay up to get those tickets on the day. but we need the money to start with.

you need 100% commitment. I WILL GO WITHOUT YOU!! but i dont want to, so please do this with me.

This will be our biggest ever and most special holiday and adventure.

Remember i promised that the day i finally get to Japan, i would have you there with me??? we'll itsnow or never. we're both going to Japan.

March 2009.

TOUR DATES

places.

places.

DAY TIME START PLACE INFO #
12/14 (sun) 17:00/17:30 Misato City Culture Center a
12/19 (fri) 18:00/18:30 Kawaguchi Lilia Culture Center Main Hall a
12/20 (sat) 18:00/18:30 Ichikawa City Culture Center Main Hall a
12/22 (mon) 18:00/18:30 Gunma Prefecture National Hall b
12/26 (fri) 17:45/18:30 Oomiya Sonic City Main Hall a
1/5 (mon) 18:00/19:00 Tokyo International Forum Hall a
1/6 (tues) 18:00/19:00 Tokyo International Forum Hall a
1/9 (fri) 18:00/18:30 Ukawa Welfare Pension Hall (??) c
1/11 (sun) 18:00/18:30 Niigata Prefecture National Hall d
1/15 (thur) 18:00/18:30 Okayama City National Hall f
1/17 (sat) 18:00/18:30 Hiroshima ALSOK Hall g
1/18 (sun) 18:00/18:30 Hiroshima ALSOK Hall g
1/21 (wed) 17:45/18:30 Niinagawa Prefecture Ritsu (?) Prefecture National Hall a
1/22 (thur) 17:45/18:30 Niinagawa Prefecture Ritsu (?) Prefecture National Hall a
1/24 (sat) 18:00/18:30 Joetsu Culture Center d
1/25 (sun) 18:00/18:30 Nagano Prefecture Matsumoto Culture Center e
1/27 (tues) 18:00/18:30 Misato City Culture Center Main Hall h
1/29 (thur) 17:45/18:30 Nagoya International Confrence Hall- Century Hall h
1/30 (fri) 17:45/18:30 Nagoya International Confrence Hall- Century Hall h
2/1 (sun) 17:30/18:30 Tokyo International Forum Hall a
2/2 (mon) 18:00/18:30 Tokyo International Forum Hall a
2/5 (thur) 18:00/18:30 Shizuoka City National Culture Center Main Hall h
2/9 (mon) 17:45/18:30 Kobe International Center Kokusai Hall i
2/10 (tue)
18:00/18:30 Himeji City Culture Center Main Hall i
2/16 (mon) 18:00/18:30 Kouchi Prefecture National Hall- Orange Hall j
2/18 (wed) 18:00/18:30 Matsuyama City National Hall Main Hall k
2/19 (thur) 18:00/18:30 Alpha Anabuki Hall Main Hall (Kagawa Prefecture) l
2/22 (sun) 18:00/18:30 Morioka National Culture Hall m
2/23 (mon) 18:00/18:30 Sendai Sun Plaza Hall m
2/25 (wed) 18:00/18:30 Kooriyama National Culture Center m
2/28 (sat) 18:00/18:30 Takayama City National Culture Center Main Hall h
3/1 (sun) 18:00/18:30 Nagaragawa International Confrence Hall h
3/3 (tues) 18:00/18:30 Utsunomiya City Culture Center b
3/4 (wed) 18:00/18:30 Utsunomiya City Culture Center b
3/7 (sat) 18:00/18:30 Yamagata Prefecture National Prefectural Hall m
3/9 (mon) 18:00/18:30 Aomori City Culture Center m
3/10 (tue) 18:00/18:30 Akita Prefecture National Hall m
3/12 (thur) 18:00/18:30 Asahigawa City National Culture Center Main Hall n
3/14 (sat) 18:00/18:30 Hokkaido Welfare Pension Hall n
3/15 (sun) 17:00/17:30 Hokkaido Welfare Pension Hall n
3/17 (tue) 18:00/18:30 Hakodate City National Hall Main Hall n
3/22 (sun) 18:00/18:30 Yoneko Convention Center f
3/24 (tue) 18:00/18:30 Yamaguchi National Hall g/o
3/26 (thur) 18:00/18:30 Shimane City National Hall f
3/29 (sun) 18:00/18:30 Fukuoka Sun Palace Hotel and Hall p
3/30 (mon) 18:00/18:30 Fukuoka Sun Palace Hotel and Hall p
4/1 (wed) 18:00/18:30 Suijyou (祟城) University City National Hall (Kumamoto National Culture Center) p
4/2 (thur)
18:00/18:30 Daibun iichiko Grand Theatre p
4/4 (sat) 18:00/18:30 Nagasaki Brick Hall p
4/6 (mon) 18:00/18:30 Kagoshima City National Hall First Hall p
4/8 (wed) 18:00/18:30 Miyazaki City National Culture Center p
4/11 (sat) 18:00/18:30 Okinawa Convention Center (other Kanji is too small to read) q